A conversation to remember

"Wouldnt be wrong or an exageration to term you as a bad son. All you can think about is work and how far you want to go in this forsaken economy. Why do you feel the need to prove something? Why do you feel the need to be someone? You are nothing without your family!"



"Well maybe your expectations are different and collide with my expecations of life"



"what is there to collide? It as simple as ABC.... you are a bad son"



"jee thanks, i have heard this a lot."



"So you will leave your family if you have to for work."



"No, i want them to be more understanding towards my situation, i am working my ass off more than any of my other collegues and i like to, actually i LOVE to, it is something i am passionate about."



"I dont understand what you are saying... everyone works. You on the other hand exagerate and ellaborate your experiences, which frankly i dont know is true."



"You see i completely see where all this is coming from. I was promised an open minded family when i talked about it back home and when i used to talk to you about my career plans. How i am sick of living the life of restrictions and what i cant and can do. I have feelings people, yes i put on a smile which is fake but you dont know what is going in my heart... no one does. Only i know, what hurts me and what doesnt, i have decided not to express it anymore. And here you sit and tell me that i am taking the wrong path? Why dont you for once see that the flaws you see in me are not flaws they are your lack of understanding.......



You come off to the world as i am being the worst son. But for once you dont see what makes me happy!!! i was always told that the parent's happiness is in the happiness of their children... That is all bull shit isnt it? Just plain SHIT!!! because all you want me to do is follow your footsteps, be restricted by society and circumstances to see beyond what you tell me is out there. I have a mind of my own and i choose to USE it, i choose to see the world..."



"Speaking of which i hear you are leaving tommorrow. Is that true? Wait, or i should just verify it with your company... give me a number to call... where can i verify this information?"



"Look at what you are doing, i am not going with friends i am going to get some work done and yes after that i will meet up with a friend of mine, but who are you to tell me where i should take up my assignments and not... At the time where i needed advice everyone in my family including you just didnt know what to do.... I CHOSE MY PATH I HAD TO, I MADE THE DECISION WHEN OTHERS LET ME DOWN... and now if i want to fulfill my end of the deal you tell me i cant"



"Did you once ask me if i am scared to sit there in training while my heart was pounding if i will be able to make it? I didnot get the support i wanted from anyone, i am a man who needs to be sane and i cant get my sanity like this"



"I turned my life around back home and am to a point where others want to be like me and you tell me i have accomplished nothing?"



"Yes, and we never for once made you feel like we didnt have the finance to support you..."



"Think again... this time think harder mom, you see but i have nothing against that the man you see before youself wouldnt be me if the circumstances would have been different... so for that i thank you, but dont tell me to bend over backwards now... not when i am at the top of my game..."



"Top of your game??? yes indeed we sent you to the top school back home..."

"And i aced the one year i was there"



"Then we got you here and gave you the education you deserved..."



"And once again i stood up to a point where i couldn thank you enough for this opportunity... but now that you have got me here so sit back relax and enjoy the show... because from where i am standing i see results that are amazing all i need is a little understanding."



"What kind of an understanding do you expect us to have when you drink and smoke..."

"Used to.."



"Which part smoking or drinking?"

"Does it matter? Is that what makes me bad? Is that what makes me a bad son?"


"You have some nerve arguing with us... wait till we tell the world of how worst our son is... i have held on to this long enough wait till i tell everyone."

"You do that... at this point in time i dont care what people have to say about me i have fallen numb, i have fallen so hard on the ground that everything that happens around me right now doesnt matter... i just need to be functional enough to do what i need to do to pass these days..."

"Oh so its our fault... you have nothing to look forward to and it is our fault... look at how selffish this guy is he is blaming his parents for his miseries"

"Once again... i am not blaming anyone... and i am not miserable... i am just numb... you say anything you wont hear a reaction out of me..."

"btw, i am leaving tomorrow and all you had to say to me was that i am a bad son... that is all you had to say to me?"

"Well have a safe flight, ofcourse"

"Thanks"

Go figure!!

Audit This!!! lol!!

Question: Does it matter in what order i buy it?

Answer: Yes. in the following order: Infiniti, Ducati and Beemer.

It just doesnt matter

For the past couple of weeks i have been noticing so many things around me, that i hadnt noticed before. And it has open my eyes to a lot of things i need to digest properly. There is a switch in roles/plays. I havent even heard it once. The problem isnt me the problem is you, who just doesnt see what i want to feel. There are times that it hurts and then there are times when i couldn't give two shits. Look what you have done now, dont you know if a person thinks too much about it that thing is bound to happen. How would you? But then again you have never been good with people, so say many close to you.

Talk. Talk to me, so we can communicate. This time ill wait for you.

Phase 3

In 23 years of my life i have quit smoking about 5 times and have always started again. Why? Individuals stick onto excuses to act differently i guess. This question has been bothering me for quite sometime now. Three weeks ago when i decided to quit smoking i was puzzled with the question of "Is this permanent?" 3 days later i had decided to make it permanent, since it was effecting me in many ways i was unaware till that day. I admire the people who get up one day and never touch a cigarette for the rest of their lives. I don't work that way. I know the exact phases and the exact times when my urges make me weak.

Phase one: Getting Sick. This phase is the withdrawal and the recovery phase where i get sick and waste tissue papers left and right.

Phase two: Weakness in the daily life activities. Don't feel like working, Don't feel like sitting around. Hence, when i was 15 and quit for the Third Time i saw my grades slip, right before my eyes.

Phase three: Irritation. Irritation occurs when the final urges start kicking in. The fact that everyone around you is smoking and you are not makes you irritated. Furthermore, every little thing gets to you. Whether you like it or not one tries to avoid conflicts and the usual manner to avoid conflicts was smoking and if one doesn't get it then avoiding these conflicts is hard. Now, one has to be very careful, since the idea is to deal with them in a healthier way and not running away (which is the case with many). Phase three marks the complications and the manually start up of your side of the brain you never used before. This can take time and a lot of effort (Trust me i am in phase three right now). Another thing one can do is try and take deep breathes whenever something heavy is felt in the heart or your chest. That would not work for long hence, other measures like routine work outs and diversion of attention and "keeping your self busy" techniques should be used.

Although it may seem that i am contradicting myself with the earlier statement of excuses, then again i am a human being too. These phases i believe are just a psychological excuse of acting differently just like other things are. Therefore, my conclusion to the whole thing is that quitting smoking is easy, if one has the right mind set, if you don't then there is no one stopping you... keep making excuses to pick up that cancer stick and light it up.

I also think that it is a defensive mechanism that we use. I can see it.

Hopefully, this is the last time i have to go through all this again. Knowing myself so much better now and the habits and understanding why i got urges in the first place, makes me believe that i can do this, once and for all. Then again remember i am just a human being and i might need an excuse one of these days.

Scream....

I want to scream, scream at the top of my lungs and get this frustration off of me. I am done talking, I am done explaining, i am done with everything. I will now hold my silence till you address whatever it is you keep thinking about. It reflects, it reflects very well in the actions and in the changes i have noticed. I will keep my silence till the very minute. I see, read, think, feel, and hear. I have feelings too, to which you seem oblivoious.

There is something cooking in your head. What is it? What now? Tell me. Your silence through out kills me, where is that voice i once used to hear, where has it vanished. Where are you? I seem to have lost you.

Bitter Sorrow

Some years ago i would have bet a million dollars as to how my life will be. Today that dream is just ruined. I speak of not too long ago when i had decided how my life will turn out. And i mean realistically i had thought about everything that could have happened, but now i am to a point where i am trying too hard to keep that dream alive, be it in my head or in my heart.

"Dammit" if only my dad were rich. My or i should say our life would have been so much easier and less complicated and dramatic. I am sick of it already, i was always promised that as i will grow older things will be fine. I saw children travelling in busses get drivers with schauffers and treating there friends at nice expensive restraunts and wearing nice clothes(as there father's thought more about there family andstarted doing ), and there i was walking the same mile and catching the same bus and taking the same route every day. I was always under the hope that one day things are going to be fine, it will be okay... *sigh* it will never be okay i guess... till the end of time... and now what? I live in shadows, i live in your shadows and at your mercy that curse the day when you say one statement, my biggest fear revealed. Then what? Which state would i be in then? Just too much to worry about, must have some drinks tonight to better my sorrows. *sigh*

"You are a heavy drinker? But you are so cheerful and happy all the time" Says my collegue. I love to drink, my head hurts if i dont drink with in a week's time, its like my craving for smoke grew after a certain age. I need to rest my mind from all the problems i have, just rest and not think about anything because i have been completely burnt out... this what it feels like when one is burnt out. I am there already.

Ambitions!!!

Have plenty of it, but still feel misguided at times. Why is that? The simple answer being that the one person whom i take as my role model is not around me. The one person who can guide me to the right path is just not available. But then again, why should some one change plans for me. It just seems too much work and less support. Sometimes i wish my own father would appreciate the work i am doing, but he is not aware of the work involved. The same old statement "everyone works why are you so special"

I feel trapped to an extent where i just cant give two shits anymore. I feel shittier by the day, i feel there is something that is missing something that i am forgetting. Something that is not right. Some words that might be unsaid, some words i am longing to hear. All jokes aside, i am waiting for the day you realize this.

You know what there is just a lot that is unsaid and i cant find the right time to talk to you... i hope it comes sooner